kashka

i'm sitting in the lobby of Absolute Hostel in Paris.

i've been away from home for 2 weeks and i have no desire to go back to la nor do i have any desire to stay in europe (as if that were even an option.)

i earned my degree almost 20 months ago. i don't know what do to with it. i see what other people are doing with their lives: moving to another city, pursuing higher learning in the form of law degrees or medical school. a number of my friends are teaching english in Korea and France.

i don't know what i want to do.

my indecisiveness has brought me to this point. the point of vacation. a vacation from what? how can you go on holiday from nothingness?

i'm meant for better things. but why am i stuck in los angeles, a city that the rest of the world loves to hate on? i'm stuck there without really being stuck there. its not like i have anything or anyone i'm attached to.

fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

its ash wednesday this week. i figured that one out while i was at mass today at the cathedral of notre dame. amidst the swinging ball of incense and the frechmixedwithlatin liturgy, i realized that it was the last sunday in ordinary time.

ordinary time. perhaps i will make it my last sunday in ordinary time.

i'm sharp but lazy. what does a sharp but lazy knife do? it cuts nothing. it couldn't even cut soup if it wanted to. that was probably the worst metaphor / hyperbole / analogy i've ever come up with.

speaking of knives, i can't even find love. which makes 300% sense. you can't find the person you want to be with if you're not where you want to be.

but where am i supposed to be?

i've found myself pushing people away. often times i find myself thinking negatively of others which is simply a refection of the negativity i see in myself. three people in my life who are pretty close to be have keenly observed that i have been overly defensive in recent months.

fucking shit. i see this and i don't do anything.