there's a word for that?

razbliuto. look it up.

by the by

there is someone in ireland who actively visits this blog.
who are you, irish(wo)man?
i'd love to hear what you think about me.

hi, i'm vanessa

my left wrist is tingling.
i think i have pinched a nerve.

my eyebrows need a plucking.
i have no time to do them.

these flies are driving me crazy.
i dont know where they're coming from.

"wait, hold on... i'm not sure where the serious but snarky suggestions ended and the facetious sarcasm began"

two hours ago.

everything has a cost.

i've taken a liking for gary sinise. and the music of al green.

hey, so like... economics!

confusion. mixed with hot. plus a lack of guilt.

my attention is grabbed.

i'm watching the most grotesque thing on television: iron chef, battle green onion

green onion.
scallions.
the ugly cousin of the equally ugly chive.

gag.

kat! are you reading this???

solacsiqual intense

its not a word.

===

so, we're like those people walking around casinos that you usually see when you're checking into your room at 11am who are falling over drunk. why are they drunk? because they started drinking at the ass crack of dawn. 5am.

which means you're home by the time the temperature gets to 98.

and thats fine with me.

===

i'm fairly content with this summer.

hokai.

my mom is kind of evil.

friends only

i don't actually believe in that shit. its usally there to make a point.

as you well know, i like it when random people read my shit.



death. and new life. i dig that kind of shit.

for posterity's sake

"so how did that happen; sex in a astrojump?"
"well, we were bouncing, and then i fell on his dick"

true story.

home

i got my old job back on friday. friday night i ended up drinking a swedish berry iced tea from coffee bean mixed with absolut with my manager from work while he drank two forties.

my retail job = my fake job while i look for my real job. anyways back to the vodka 40s

so we end up at la bar(cito) which is this gay dive bar on sanborn and sunset. its complete with trannies and mexican cowboys. newcastles in the cuts + bacon wraps + b&h + camel fliters = one bangin' hangover.

the point: i've had this hacking-brochital-death cough for the past month. its probably because i smoke half a pack a day. my dad smokes. danielle smokes. mom does NOT smoke. today after i got home from work, she walked into my room as i was tranferring cigarettes from one box to the other. she told me that i shouldnt smoke.

and as she says this, i get a coughing attack.

i expect her to scold me; that this coughing is because i smoke too much.

instead, she pats my back to help the cough along.

as a kid i was really aware of the balance that the universe required. like, i remember thinking as i recieved a math test with a good grade back in 4th grade that i would probably get my social studies homework back and it would be all marked up.

balance, you know? school wise at least.

i'm pretty confident that the balance is checking itself in my life right now.

but heres my question, once i stop taking tests in college (meaning: when i graduate) how am i supposed to indentify the balance? with no school to counteract laziness, how am i supposed to become unlazy?

that goes without saying

i asked my friend today a question that had been making its rounds in my head for the longest time: "can you have sex?"

ok ok, let me explain. my friend had a snowboard accident and he's a paralyzed from the stomach down. i've known him for a year and a half.

he said, "i was wondering when you were going to ask that"

haha. really. apparently, that is the number one question girls ask him. i asked him if he could feel anything. he explained that the sensitive places before are the places that he still has some semblace of feeling.

so i ask, "so, the girl has to be on top, right?"

and he answered, "not necessarily. i can do push ups!"

we laughed and talked. and he asked me why i hadn't asked him that before.

i answered with, "well, if you couldn't, it would suck. like, 'hey, can you have sex?' and if you answered with a, ' "no" it would be awkward.' "

haha. the end is near.

say nothing. assume anything.

reading time with pickle!

people awake at 6:02am astound me.

my goal for my future self is to re-become a morning person.

re-become? when was vanessa ever a morning person?

i can answer that. when i was 7 years old, i was a morning person. i would wake up and have breakfast with my grandparents.

thats a weird thought. i havent thought about that in a while.

you know those weird spurts of your childhood that come to you at random times? example:

- one time, i tried to make dough. i succeeded and hid the dough under the couch in my family's living room. i remembered that it was there a week later and it was growing mold. cool!

- pre computer, danielle and i would stay up at night doing NOTHING. like, absolutely nothing. calling radio stations, making food, reading the newspaper, taping songs off the radio.

- my first nail polish color that i bought was this deep blue color. straight '90s.

anyways. this is procrastination.

===

i saw the arcade fire last night with don + chris and carlos.

i'm a sucker for music i can move to.



a miraculous picture: just as i took it, some dumbass tried to take a picture of the stage with flash. the flash was absorbed by don and me and the light bounceed straight into my camera. and thats the arcade fire



the lighting in this one is fantastic. or maybe i love that sweater.

===

i guess this is my triumphant return to blogger. be kind.

my sister scares the shit out of me sometimes.

knocked over bureaus and yelling is what i equate my sister's mental illness with.

why do we have to walk on egg shells when we're around her? why do we have to pay attention to what we say to her? why do WE have to think twice if what we say to her is going to hurt her feelings and send her over the edge when she can say anything horrible to us with no repercussions?

this weekend, i have come to this realization that has taken 21 years for me to arrive at: danielle has never apologized for anything that she has done. ever.

1970 was the year that reared the most horrible love story, love story. it's famous catch line was "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

what. the. fuck. are you serious? are you living in the same world i'm living in? of course you have to say i'm sorry.

say you're sorry.

also: he called me defined.

meaning: i'd still know who i was if we ended up apart.

is it bizarre that i don't want to move back to la?

gah

e posible.

move.

I have been inhaling and exhaling.
Inhale, Exhale.

no waiting.

Inhale, exhale. Immediate results.

Never a shortness of breath.
even times of both sides.

Its necessary to hold your breath.
The anticipation for the next air.
The receiving of what was recently delayed.

===

I love patterns.

93 degrees

Its too hot for my heart to hurt.

I've decided to start writing. I'm hoping that Los Angeles doesn't burn down. I want my home to be intact when i move back. Its harsh reality with college ending. I took my last midterm in college. It was so bizarre reading what i wrote. How the ideas that i was stringing together made sense and that the arguement that I was making could stand.

Given, the question asked what I would do if i was young czar with absolute power in the 17th century. But fuck you too.

I'm going to start capitalizing my sentences.

I left my heart at reception. The last thing I saw was you.

===

The common denominator in my life: frustration; with myself, but more specifically with the people that I love.

flash!

recently, i've been having these weird ass flashes of myself in the future. pregnant. or just after giving birth. wtf dude.

4/12 - ahely's bash. we brought her back for real rea
4/13 - mass clean up. yalie's place for internet. don drunk
4/14 - don still at apartment. sandwiches at simple simons. vintage polaroid. venise. pcn, first athena party since last year.
4/15 - venise sleeps over. talk over eggs. j reyes shows up, as does odiz. celebration of the return of net gear. sleep
4/16 - wake up. dance class. gin and tonic's with tracy in the woodland's hot tub.
4/17 - two classes, smoke. "you hate my guts"
4/18 - dance class. first ditch of the year. tracy times + tea
4/19 - went to class. chillax at the biblioteca. two pitchers of new castle. dancing at the ville and little polka dotted red dress. end the night cleanly at d's.
4/20 - meets the padre. win's smoosh tickets. see's jane comfort and co... dancing . ends night at yalies.
4/21 - at tylers.

oh april.

i havent been able to feel for a week.

you know that feeling when you're in your car and turn ignition to the off position.

and when you sit in your car for a good 5 minutes longer than you have to.

and when you're just listening to the beeping of the alert thing that tells you that you left your keys in the ignition?

well thats not of those feelings.

===

theres a hummingbird chillin' outside my window

===

anyways. there is an issue with me, my cars, and my cars' ignitions.

===

i just paid three seperate parking tickets.
$25, $41, $39.
i harbor a deep resentment for street sweeping.

i've got experience in fingering friends.

get your own size!

in anycase, its good friday. two good fridays ago, i was having a healthy. serving. of beans. oh beans.

dear world / universe / you,

you know what i dont like. (note, thats a period. not a question. its a statement.) i dont like green onion, running, and waiting. i hate hate hate waiting.

so tell me why im waiting around for my life to happen / restart.

so shhh.

love, vanessa

shit that has been annoying me

HA! firefox crashed and i lost my 19 point list!

20) fire fox JUST crashed and i lost my 19 point list!

the shit that i remember

1) benson gets more attention than trotsky. throw trotsky a frikkin' bone. literally

2) i'm moody.

3) i went to pechanga today with my famiglia. lesson number one, dont gamble when you had a bowl of bitch for breakfast

4) benson snores. i'd hate him if i were trotsky.

5) i have this unnatural urge to shampoo my car rugs.

6) i have this strange urge to go to the gym.

7) i was awaken 3 times today.

8) yesterday, los angeles experienced a brush fire. fucking tourists.

9) why didn't i take pictures of said brush fire?

10) ok ok. i'm over it.

peace.

the last spring break of my undergrade college career.

holy crap, in a week, i will be starting my last quarter of college.

before i delve into the miracle that im graduating from college, i'm going to talk about the miracle that was my winter quarter [from an academic stand point].

i came back from rome, tired. those classes were far more difficult than i had anticipated. i came back to riverside, thankful, that i didnt have to deal will crazy gpa obsessed kids from cal or ucla.

i decided to keep it real and take three classes: sociology 5 (statistics), sociology 183g (collective behavior), and art 2 (intro to painting).

at first i thought, "stats is going to kick my ass, collective behavior is so unstructured, and art is boring (we painted color wheels the first day)."

true, statistics kicked my ass. but i still emerged far above average (hurray). and all i needed was a D-. im so stoked that i passed that class, especially because i actually need that class in particular to graduate.

true, collective behavior was unstructured, but i still got an A-

true, color wheels were boring and 3 hour labs were killer, but im down for any class where i can take four 15 minute smoke breaks within class time.

w00t, for a successful quarter.

in other news...

hollister

another class action law suit! man, being a brand rep for hollister is the job that keeps on paying.

bizarre

so danielle does things to guys. ask me for the weird details.

defeated

i live on the second floor of my apartment complex. i have two windows, one facing west and the other facing north. basically, i have a pretty sweet view of the world.

that being said, i've seen 6 different people walking home from their finals today. they look like zombies. or they look like they just got back from battle. or they look just plain tired.

i should study.

one day, i'll go back to riomaggiore for a birthday.
and i'll actually do the famous hike through cinque terre.

niente

i have nothing to write about. niente.

why? because i'm pretty much content with how my life is going.

im going to enjoy the last quarter of my college career.

===

print

i need to print out the pictures from roma et europa.

===

shut up, its better for you

thats what the title for this blog means. kthanks! bye!

que.

so, im half way through my second to the last quarter of college.

my 80gb powerbook has 8 gigs of space left.

i have 11000 photos on my computer. 3008 songs.

boy, it would suck if it broke.

wednesday is lent and i have nothing to give up. how about laziness?

i gave up messiness last year. i cleaned up some things both physically and mentally. its back to being a physical mess.

meaning clothes continue to migrate from hangers to the floor inexplicably.

i see people like katherine, who graduated last year working. wendell and carolina moving into their house soon to be married. i see jerel going back to attempt at a masters. and im graduating. soon.

in anycase, i need to pass statistics.

my writing sucks.

yes, my capacity for writing has diminished. i cant blog anymore.

yet, here i am again, writing in this blog that i have had since junior year in highschool.

resolution 5: quit referencing the past.

anyways, im involved with someone now. no longer secretly, nor involved with someone else and the other... well, he's just a phone call. and the other before that: i cleared the air with him and his gal. i made it a point to clear my love karma seeing that it had been clogged for over a year.

and it totally worked.

and the other? non lo so.

in anycase, let go and let god. lets the world know your plans and goals and remember to get up and invoke the chain of events that will lead you to where you want to be.

whateeeevs.

allora mmm

so im back from italy.

and i've decided to start blogging here again.

to-do list

1) stop being so giving.
2) buy new eyeliner.
3) heal from these wisdom teeth
4) chill the fuck out.

fuck boys. bring me a man.

actually scratch that. im ready to graduate and peace the spork out. im ready for my own place and space and time. then you can bring me a man.

right now, im floating. and its not the vicodin that is talking. i'm still in that great between that i wrote about in my last post. i had this crazy entry in my moleskin where i had the realization that i have everything that i thought that i ever needed but now, i'm still searching for... oh whatever.

hiatus, no. death to this.

involved. secretly involved.

i want to remember this day as the day between lives. the overlap as already happening. overlap between me of then and me of now and me of the future. isnt that all that life is, the overlap of everything? between 13 and 14. boyfriends and exboyfriends. day trips and night trips. vegas and non-vegas. riverside and la. america and the rest of the world. run on sentences and paragraphs. the beginning of a sigur ros song and the end of it. winter quarter and spring quarter.

failure and drunkeness. i walk that line with grace and prosperity.

i knew this year was going to be a good year.

and me saying that isnt going to ruin anything.

i think this is the end of this blog. 4 year and 2 months. thanks for letting me remember how i was, how i shouldnt be, and how i want to be.

project runway.

sadly, there are no daniel vosovics this season. but i think the girls, especially allison kelly, are cute. she soooo cute.

this is part of her bio:

"In 1998, Alison migrated to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, where she pursued her studies in fine arts and metal smithing at the Instituto de Allende."

so when she was 18, she went to mexico to study METAL SMITHING.

and then theres angela with her mushroom hunting. YES.

You scored as Italian. Italian 100% Irish 88% Belgian 88% Russian 75% German 75% French 75% Turkish 75% British 75% Polish 75% Swiss 63% Danish 50% Spanish 50% Dutch 50% Molvanian 13% Which nationality should you have created with QuizFarm.com

i can't help but think that i totally fucked up my freshman year in college.

honestly. i. can't. help. it.

i'm feeling really shitty right now. and the heat isnt helping. wtf. why is it 81 degrees at THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING? that should be illegal. fuck nature. fuck it all.

shitty shitty shitty. wow.

i dont even know why.

===

twenty something angst.

21
so im turning 21 overseas.
i had this conversation with my parents yesterday.

first of all, i'd like to start with the fact that i went to church with my parents yesterday. at 11:15am, i walked into my parents' room and saw that they were getting ready for church. obviously my mom said,

"you should come to church with us."

i replied with my usual, "no." and i left. and 10 seconds later, i put on my sunday best (diagonal striped halter dress and charles david wedges) and got in the car. it was 11:25. i was in the car before my mom was.

11:26, my mom finally gets in the car and at 11:29, my dad was parking.

this is where i would say what happened but i'll just explain. apparently my mom didnt see me in the car so she was really surprised to see that i came to church (even more surprised that i was in the car with them).

anyways, we walked across the street towards st. brendans. my mom studied what i was wearing and fruitlessly tried to pull up my dress to cover my cleavage. i said,

"God made my breasts. I dont think she'd like a masterpiece like these covered up"

hahaha. my mom enjoyed that.

after church, we ate at thai bbq.
my dad pointed out that my 21st was coming soon.

i really wanted to turn 21 in the states. just so i can get really fucked up with friends and people can take pictures of me handing my id to guy at the liquor store while buying a 40. or go clubbing and dance with a drink in hand. oh wait, i've done that already (hahaha. CLUBBANG. but whatever. i told my parents that i was bummed that i was going to turn 21 in a place where i already couldn drink. so my dad said

"i turned 21 overseas too. i was on a ship."
i guess he was doing whatever my dad did back in the day.
it kinda made me feel better.

i've been on blogger for over 4 years. and im still unsure as to why i still blog.

nooooo. im a faker. i know exactly why im here. not until today did i find that the way i blog is the socially accepted way to blog. meaning:

- writing whatever the fuck i want
- using poor language and optional capitalization.
- cussing up a storm

so im at starbucks today. why? to steal their air conditioning. as an avid coffee bean and tea leaf lover and supporter of lost souls cafe i feel no remorse for taking up precious floor space and chair at the #2 starbucks in the uv (still the the stupidest bullshit ever. what do you need two starbuckes for? WITHIN 100 years of each other??)

whatever. i couldnt stand the heat in my apartment, which sadly is 89 degrees. inside. 93 degrees outside.

im pretty sure that the temperature in here is hovering near the 60 degree mark. its nippy and im enjoying it

it recently came to my attention that i have two weeks of summer school left. what the fuck. how did that happen? essentially it means that i only have two weeks of riverside left. !!!. i'll triumphantly return to riverside winter quarter a woman of the world. haaa. joke.

i got a call from danielle last week saying that she couldnt believe that i was leaving so soon
kat recently flipped her calendar to next month and was shocked that august 22nd was so soon.

before any of that happens, i will be making some mini trips. to vegas. this weekend.

===

theres this girl outside of starbucks. and she has a purple bag. i may have to steal this bag.

to-do list

- wamu.
- possibly grocery shopping.

or not. i can live off water and.. ok fine, i have no food. sad days.

when no one is looking

dance like a fool.
like the fool you are.

have you ever wondered what it would be like to dance to "i'm a cuckoo" with 75 other rabid fans? refreshing.