I refuse it's sign of maturity

To be stuck in complexity

I demand clarity either way

===

bjork, you crazy and i feel you. i feel you.

in hibernation.
i fucking hate this haiku.
oh you bumbleclot...

im going to be 26 this year?

resolved: i need to have this figured out by 2012. seriously.

my relationship style does not work.
i recognize that, but i don't care to change it.

cosas

- working working working.
and oh! more work! fantastic.

- getting ready for the desert and my tan

- gay foot fetish porn. what?

- wait, what?

- i need to mail a birthday card to a taurus.

- fuck what you heard.

- so over it, i'm under it.

- onwards ; upwards.

i'm obviously doing this wrong.

not at all lazy. not a least bit frustrated.

we shall see.

about 8 months ago, i was pretty angry at myself for not really knowing what i was working toward. unsure if i should get my masters in i don't know what or not.

whatever. long story short, i went to an energy reader and she read my unsureness about life. she said that what i interpreted as nothingness was just me relishing in my youth. at that point, i was like, "what the fuck are you talking about?"

i still don't.

but it doesn't matter.

i was working at gossip a year and some change. in september, a truck crashed into Gossip leading me to accept a full time position at PATH.

i'm happy. i have something to talk about; to think about.

i just realized that i am in a very vulnerable state. damn.

kashka

i'm sitting in the lobby of Absolute Hostel in Paris.

i've been away from home for 2 weeks and i have no desire to go back to la nor do i have any desire to stay in europe (as if that were even an option.)

i earned my degree almost 20 months ago. i don't know what do to with it. i see what other people are doing with their lives: moving to another city, pursuing higher learning in the form of law degrees or medical school. a number of my friends are teaching english in Korea and France.

i don't know what i want to do.

my indecisiveness has brought me to this point. the point of vacation. a vacation from what? how can you go on holiday from nothingness?

i'm meant for better things. but why am i stuck in los angeles, a city that the rest of the world loves to hate on? i'm stuck there without really being stuck there. its not like i have anything or anyone i'm attached to.

fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

its ash wednesday this week. i figured that one out while i was at mass today at the cathedral of notre dame. amidst the swinging ball of incense and the frechmixedwithlatin liturgy, i realized that it was the last sunday in ordinary time.

ordinary time. perhaps i will make it my last sunday in ordinary time.

i'm sharp but lazy. what does a sharp but lazy knife do? it cuts nothing. it couldn't even cut soup if it wanted to. that was probably the worst metaphor / hyperbole / analogy i've ever come up with.

speaking of knives, i can't even find love. which makes 300% sense. you can't find the person you want to be with if you're not where you want to be.

but where am i supposed to be?

i've found myself pushing people away. often times i find myself thinking negatively of others which is simply a refection of the negativity i see in myself. three people in my life who are pretty close to be have keenly observed that i have been overly defensive in recent months.

fucking shit. i see this and i don't do anything.

i'm sorry. really.

stacked.
backed.

, nice rack.

23

interesting wikipedia entries.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanctuary_cities

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michelle_Malkin

yeah.

gas is killing me.

again, i need to be more careful and mindful. when did i become so reckless?

i received the most aggressively passive note from mi madre stating that my room was now a FIRE HAZARD. by the way, thats exactly how she wrote it: all captial letters and underlined. maybe i should look into being neater.

i wonder if that means she has envisioned my room burning down with me in it

i wonder how hot my room could get with just my posessions as kindling.

dude. its not even my idea, she was the one who suggested it.

ooh, thats dark.

may 27th 2008. the day i will start to lap swim again.

my morning jacket - touch me i'm going to scream part two

i will float until i learn how to swim

music is my king sized bed.

look, you need to learn how to be more careful. my ride home consisted of relief / disappointment. can i attribute my situation of the past year to my actions of 2006. 2006 seems tainted.

i can't undo it. and i cant redeem myself. oh well.

someone who looks good in pajamas.

here's my question. wait, i'll keep that to myself and my close friends who have the sad duty to listen to me hopelessly bitch.

i just cleaned out my car. its very tidy.

===

i'm not mad. i'm not angry. i'm not even upset.
i'm unresolved.
and i'd rather be mad, angry, and upset.

===

and now, for something totally irrelevant


it's always a carlos.

it doesn't mean that much to me
to mean that much to you