ma stà zitto

2011-03-02T22:51:00.000-08:00

in hibernation.
i fucking hate this haiku.
oh you bumbleclot...

2011-01-08T02:47:00.000-08:00

im going to be 26 this year?

resolved: i need to have this figured out by 2012. seriously.

2010-04-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

my relationship style does not work.
i recognize that, but i don't care to change it.

cosas

- working working working.
and oh! more work! fantastic.

- getting ready for the desert and my tan

- gay foot fetish porn. what?

- wait, what?

- i need to mail a birthday card to a taurus.

- fuck what you heard.

- so over it, i'm under it.

- onwards ; upwards.

2010-04-07T11:07:00.001-07:00

i'm obviously doing this wrong.

2009-12-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

not at all lazy. not a least bit frustrated.

we shall see.

about 8 months ago, i was pretty angry at myself for not really knowing what i was working toward. unsure if i should get my masters in i don't know what or not.

whatever. long story short, i went to an energy reader and she read my unsureness about life. she said that what i interpreted as nothingness was just me relishing in my youth. at that point, i was like, "what the fuck are you talking about?"

i still don't.

but it doesn't matter.

i was working at gossip a year and some change. in september, a truck crashed into Gossip leading me to accept a full time position at PATH.

i'm happy. i have something to talk about; to think about.

2009-03-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

i just realized that i am in a very vulnerable state. damn.

2009-02-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

kashka

i'm sitting in the lobby of Absolute Hostel in Paris.

i've been away from home for 2 weeks and i have no desire to go back to la nor do i have any desire to stay in europe (as if that were even an option.)

i earned my degree almost 20 months ago. i don't know what do to with it. i see what other people are doing with their lives: moving to another city, pursuing higher learning in the form of law degrees or medical school. a number of my friends are teaching english in Korea and France.

i don't know what i want to do.

my indecisiveness has brought me to this point. the point of vacation. a vacation from what? how can you go on holiday from nothingness?

i'm meant for better things. but why am i stuck in los angeles, a city that the rest of the world loves to hate on? i'm stuck there without really being stuck there. its not like i have anything or anyone i'm attached to.

fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

its ash wednesday this week. i figured that one out while i was at mass today at the cathedral of notre dame. amidst the swinging ball of incense and the frechmixedwithlatin liturgy, i realized that it was the last sunday in ordinary time.

ordinary time. perhaps i will make it my last sunday in ordinary time.

i'm sharp but lazy. what does a sharp but lazy knife do? it cuts nothing. it couldn't even cut soup if it wanted to. that was probably the worst metaphor / hyperbole / analogy i've ever come up with.

speaking of knives, i can't even find love. which makes 300% sense. you can't find the person you want to be with if you're not where you want to be.

but where am i supposed to be?

i've found myself pushing people away. often times i find myself thinking negatively of others which is simply a refection of the negativity i see in myself. three people in my life who are pretty close to be have keenly observed that i have been overly defensive in recent months.

fucking shit. i see this and i don't do anything.

2008-10-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry. really.

2008-10-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

stacked.
backed.

, nice rack.

2008-09-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

23

interesting wikipedia entries.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanctuary_cities

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michelle_Malkin

2008-07-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

yeah.

2008-06-05T01:47:00.000-07:00

gas is killing me.

again, i need to be more careful and mindful. when did i become so reckless?

i received the most aggressively passive note from mi madre stating that my room was now a FIRE HAZARD. by the way, thats exactly how she wrote it: all captial letters and underlined. maybe i should look into being neater.

i wonder if that means she has envisioned my room burning down with me in it

i wonder how hot my room could get with just my posessions as kindling.

dude. its not even my idea, she was the one who suggested it.

ooh, thats dark.

2008-05-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

may 27th 2008. the day i will start to lap swim again.

2008-05-22T23:50:00.000-07:00

my morning jacket - touch me i'm going to scream part two

2008-05-22T03:35:00.000-07:00

i will float until i learn how to swim

2008-05-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

music is my king sized bed.

look, you need to learn how to be more careful. my ride home consisted of relief / disappointment. can i attribute my situation of the past year to my actions of 2006. 2006 seems tainted.

i can't undo it. and i cant redeem myself. oh well.

2008-04-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

someone who looks good in pajamas.

2008-03-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

here's my question. wait, i'll keep that to myself and my close friends who have the sad duty to listen to me hopelessly bitch.

i just cleaned out my car. its very tidy.

===

i'm not mad. i'm not angry. i'm not even upset.
i'm unresolved.
and i'd rather be mad, angry, and upset.

===

and now, for something totally irrelevant

it's always a carlos.

2008-03-31T01:11:00.000-07:00

it doesn't mean that much to me
to mean that much to you

2008-03-30T00:30:00.001-07:00

basta cosi.

2008-03-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

blunt objection to blunt objects

2008-03-08T02:19:00.000-08:00

the summer of 2006 was the last time i felt like all things were in their place.

2008-03-07T04:39:00.000-08:00

thank you chris wang

double fisting.

2008-02-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

well, that was severe.

2008-02-05T01:42:00.000-08:00

i'm starting to detest the internet.

and why are most of these entries one-liners?

2008-01-25T17:52:00.000-08:00

searching for batcaves. (no, really!)

2008-01-21T03:22:00.000-08:00

what?

2007-12-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

a truth five and a half years in the making

he takes things so seriously that he's easily disappointed.

2007-12-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

so there is this one argyle sock in my wardrobe that has been missing its pair for a good year and a half. i remember this because i distinctly remember taking my soc 4 class in the summer and wearing those argyles on the one day during that summer that i wore shoes.

and if you knew me during that summer, you'd know that my room was (who am i kidding, still is) a disaster area. the one sock got lost in the mix.

usually i wouldnt care about socks; you lose socks everyday. who gives a fuck? but i remember getting those socks. navy, green, cream, and pink. truly a sexy argyle color combo. they were my first pair of argyle socks.

and today, while getting ready for work. i miraculously found the other pair while looking for a blue pen in various boxes in my room.

wtf! i'm happy! socks!

2007-12-22T03:05:00.000-08:00

2222111stdecemba.

2007-12-18T01:27:00.000-08:00

fluid!

2007-12-16T03:24:00.001-08:00

pain. with a dash of

half way done with december.
one week of work left in this month.
the important folder has over 200 messages in it.
and i enjoy going through them.

my sewing machine is so cool.

wone. amazing. yes... wone. i spelled that correctly.

2007-12-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

phone call from my dad-

"hi vanessa, i bought you your cereal" and then he hung up. hahaha.

yay :)

i guess its not too bad living at home

2007-11-19T02:11:00.000-08:00

there's a word for that?

razbliuto. look it up.

2007-11-17T02:22:00.000-08:00

by the by

there is someone in ireland who actively visits this blog.
who are you, irish(wo)man?
i'd love to hear what you think about me.

2007-11-17T02:06:00.000-08:00

hi, i'm vanessa

my left wrist is tingling.
i think i have pinched a nerve.

my eyebrows need a plucking.
i have no time to do them.

these flies are driving me crazy.
i dont know where they're coming from.

2007-10-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

"wait, hold on... i'm not sure where the serious but snarky suggestions ended and the facetious sarcasm began"

two hours ago.

2007-10-09T02:21:00.000-07:00

everything has a cost.

2007-09-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

i've taken a liking for gary sinise. and the music of al green.

2007-08-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

hey, so like... economics!

2007-08-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

confusion. mixed with hot. plus a lack of guilt.

2007-07-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

my attention is grabbed.

2007-07-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

i'm watching the most grotesque thing on television: iron chef, battle green onion

green onion.
scallions.
the ugly cousin of the equally ugly chive.

gag.

2007-07-14T09:11:00.001-07:00

kat! are you reading this???

2007-07-14T09:05:00.001-07:00

solacsiqual intense

its not a word.

===

so, we're like those people walking around casinos that you usually see when you're checking into your room at 11am who are falling over drunk. why are they drunk? because they started drinking at the ass crack of dawn. 5am.

which means you're home by the time the temperature gets to 98.

and thats fine with me.

===

i'm fairly content with this summer.

2007-07-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

hokai.

my mom is kind of evil.

2007-06-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

friends only

i don't actually believe in that shit. its usally there to make a point.

as you well know, i like it when random people read my shit.

death. and new life. i dig that kind of shit.

2007-06-25T00:56:00.000-07:00

for posterity's sake

"so how did that happen; sex in a astrojump?"
"well, we were bouncing, and then i fell on his dick"

true story.

2007-06-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

home

i got my old job back on friday. friday night i ended up drinking a swedish berry iced tea from coffee bean mixed with absolut with my manager from work while he drank two forties.

my retail job = my fake job while i look for my real job. anyways back to the vodka 40s

so we end up at la bar(cito) which is this gay dive bar on sanborn and sunset. its complete with trannies and mexican cowboys. newcastles in the cuts + bacon wraps + b&h + camel fliters = one bangin' hangover.

the point: i've had this hacking-brochital-death cough for the past month. its probably because i smoke half a pack a day. my dad smokes. danielle smokes. mom does NOT smoke. today after i got home from work, she walked into my room as i was tranferring cigarettes from one box to the other. she told me that i shouldnt smoke.

and as she says this, i get a coughing attack.

i expect her to scold me; that this coughing is because i smoke too much.

instead, she pats my back to help the cough along.

2007-06-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

as a kid i was really aware of the balance that the universe required. like, i remember thinking as i recieved a math test with a good grade back in 4th grade that i would probably get my social studies homework back and it would be all marked up.

balance, you know? school wise at least.

i'm pretty confident that the balance is checking itself in my life right now.

but heres my question, once i stop taking tests in college (meaning: when i graduate) how am i supposed to indentify the balance? with no school to counteract laziness, how am i supposed to become unlazy?

2007-06-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

that goes without saying

i asked my friend today a question that had been making its rounds in my head for the longest time: "can you have sex?"

ok ok, let me explain. my friend had a snowboard accident and he's a paralyzed from the stomach down. i've known him for a year and a half.

he said, "i was wondering when you were going to ask that"

haha. really. apparently, that is the number one question girls ask him. i asked him if he could feel anything. he explained that the sensitive places before are the places that he still has some semblace of feeling.

so i ask, "so, the girl has to be on top, right?"

and he answered, "not necessarily. i can do push ups!"

we laughed and talked. and he asked me why i hadn't asked him that before.

i answered with, "well, if you couldn't, it would suck. like, 'hey, can you have sex?' and if you answered with a, ' "no" it would be awkward.' "

haha. the end is near.

2007-06-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

say nothing. assume anything.

reading time with pickle!

2007-05-31T05:59:00.000-07:00

people awake at 6:02am astound me.

my goal for my future self is to re-become a morning person.

re-become? when was vanessa ever a morning person?

i can answer that. when i was 7 years old, i was a morning person. i would wake up and have breakfast with my grandparents.

thats a weird thought. i havent thought about that in a while.

you know those weird spurts of your childhood that come to you at random times? example:

- one time, i tried to make dough. i succeeded and hid the dough under the couch in my family's living room. i remembered that it was there a week later and it was growing mold. cool!

- pre computer, danielle and i would stay up at night doing NOTHING. like, absolutely nothing. calling radio stations, making food, reading the newspaper, taping songs off the radio.

- my first nail polish color that i bought was this deep blue color. straight '90s.

anyways. this is procrastination.

===

i saw the arcade fire last night with don + chris and carlos.

i'm a sucker for music i can move to.

a miraculous picture: just as i took it, some dumbass tried to take a picture of the stage with flash. the flash was absorbed by don and me and the light bounceed straight into my camera. and thats the arcade fire

the lighting in this one is fantastic. or maybe i love that sweater.

===

i guess this is my triumphant return to blogger. be kind.

2007-05-29T01:49:00.000-07:00

my sister scares the shit out of me sometimes.

knocked over bureaus and yelling is what i equate my sister's mental illness with.

why do we have to walk on egg shells when we're around her? why do we have to pay attention to what we say to her? why do WE have to think twice if what we say to her is going to hurt her feelings and send her over the edge when she can say anything horrible to us with no repercussions?

this weekend, i have come to this realization that has taken 21 years for me to arrive at: danielle has never apologized for anything that she has done. ever.

1970 was the year that reared the most horrible love story, love story. it's famous catch line was "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

what. the. fuck. are you serious? are you living in the same world i'm living in? of course you have to say i'm sorry.

say you're sorry.

2007-05-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

also: he called me defined.

meaning: i'd still know who i was if we ended up apart.

2007-05-23T16:35:00.001-07:00

is it bizarre that i don't want to move back to la?

2007-05-15T04:18:00.000-07:00

prologue

I will be receiving my bachelors degree before danielle will. I feel that it is getting thrown into her face and I feel bad about it but at the same time I feel that it could be seen as encouragement to her.

the story

We're driving home and I mention that she should go back to school. She replies with a, "Cassie didn't finish college"

epilogue

It is no good when you use cousins as an excuse. You can't rationalize something as important as a college education. Given, some people don't learn anything from college. And yes, it is true that people can spend their entire college careers drunken. But I believe college provides the important time to live independent of parental units. You can develop yourself and who you are going to be but still have the possibility of falling back on your parents (without being ridiculed for being financially dependent on them).

2007-05-13T04:28:00.000-07:00

e posible.

move.

2007-05-09T02:26:00.000-07:00

I have been inhaling and exhaling.
Inhale, Exhale.

no waiting.

Inhale, exhale. Immediate results.

Never a shortness of breath.
even times of both sides.

Its necessary to hold your breath.
The anticipation for the next air.
The receiving of what was recently delayed.

===

I love patterns.

2007-05-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

93 degrees

Its too hot for my heart to hurt.

I've decided to start writing. I'm hoping that Los Angeles doesn't burn down. I want my home to be intact when i move back. Its harsh reality with college ending. I took my last midterm in college. It was so bizarre reading what i wrote. How the ideas that i was stringing together made sense and that the arguement that I was making could stand.

Given, the question asked what I would do if i was young czar with absolute power in the 17th century. But fuck you too.

I'm going to start capitalizing my sentences.

I left my heart at reception. The last thing I saw was you.

===

The common denominator in my life: frustration; with myself, but more specifically with the people that I love.

2007-05-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

flash!

recently, i've been having these weird ass flashes of myself in the future. pregnant. or just after giving birth. wtf dude.

2007-04-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

4/12 - ahely's bash. we brought her back for real rea
4/13 - mass clean up. yalie's place for internet. don drunk
4/14 - don still at apartment. sandwiches at simple simons. vintage polaroid. venise. pcn, first athena party since last year.
4/15 - venise sleeps over. talk over eggs. j reyes shows up, as does odiz. celebration of the return of net gear. sleep
4/16 - wake up. dance class. gin and tonic's with tracy in the woodland's hot tub.
4/17 - two classes, smoke. "you hate my guts"
4/18 - dance class. first ditch of the year. tracy times + tea
4/19 - went to class. chillax at the biblioteca. two pitchers of new castle. dancing at the ville and little polka dotted red dress. end the night cleanly at d's.
4/20 - meets the padre. win's smoosh tickets. see's jane comfort and co... dancing . ends night at yalies.
4/21 - at tylers.

oh april.

2007-04-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

i havent been able to feel for a week.

2007-04-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

you know that feeling when you're in your car and turn ignition to the off position.

and when you sit in your car for a good 5 minutes longer than you have to.

and when you're just listening to the beeping of the alert thing that tells you that you left your keys in the ignition?

well thats not of those feelings.

===

theres a hummingbird chillin' outside my window

===

anyways. there is an issue with me, my cars, and my cars' ignitions.

===

i just paid three seperate parking tickets.
$25, $41, $39.
i harbor a deep resentment for street sweeping.

2007-04-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

i've got experience in fingering friends.

get your own size!

in anycase, its good friday. two good fridays ago, i was having a healthy. serving. of beans. oh beans.

2007-04-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

dear world / universe / you,

you know what i dont like. (note, thats a period. not a question. its a statement.) i dont like green onion, running, and waiting. i hate hate hate waiting.

so tell me why im waiting around for my life to happen / restart.

so shhh.

love, vanessa

2007-04-01T00:49:00.000-07:00

shit that has been annoying me

HA! firefox crashed and i lost my 19 point list!

20) fire fox JUST crashed and i lost my 19 point list!

the shit that i remember

1) benson gets more attention than trotsky. throw trotsky a frikkin' bone. literally

2) i'm moody.

3) i went to pechanga today with my famiglia. lesson number one, dont gamble when you had a bowl of bitch for breakfast

4) benson snores. i'd hate him if i were trotsky.

5) i have this unnatural urge to shampoo my car rugs.

6) i have this strange urge to go to the gym.

7) i was awaken 3 times today.

8) yesterday, los angeles experienced a brush fire. fucking tourists.

9) why didn't i take pictures of said brush fire?

10) ok ok. i'm over it.

peace.

2007-03-23T02:43:00.000-07:00

the last spring break of my undergrade college career.

holy crap, in a week, i will be starting my last quarter of college.

before i delve into the miracle that im graduating from college, i'm going to talk about the miracle that was my winter quarter [from an academic stand point].

i came back from rome, tired. those classes were far more difficult than i had anticipated. i came back to riverside, thankful, that i didnt have to deal will crazy gpa obsessed kids from cal or ucla.

i decided to keep it real and take three classes: sociology 5 (statistics), sociology 183g (collective behavior), and art 2 (intro to painting).

at first i thought, "stats is going to kick my ass, collective behavior is so unstructured, and art is boring (we painted color wheels the first day)."

true, statistics kicked my ass. but i still emerged far above average (hurray). and all i needed was a D-. im so stoked that i passed that class, especially because i actually need that class in particular to graduate.

true, collective behavior was unstructured, but i still got an A-

true, color wheels were boring and 3 hour labs were killer, but im down for any class where i can take four 15 minute smoke breaks within class time.

w00t, for a successful quarter.

in other news...

hollister

another class action law suit! man, being a brand rep for hollister is the job that keeps on paying.

2007-03-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

bizarre

so danielle does things to guys. ask me for the weird details.

defeated

i live on the second floor of my apartment complex. i have two windows, one facing west and the other facing north. basically, i have a pretty sweet view of the world.

that being said, i've seen 6 different people walking home from their finals today. they look like zombies. or they look like they just got back from battle. or they look just plain tired.

i should study.

2007-03-04T13:52:00.000-08:00

one day, i'll go back to riomaggiore for a birthday.
and i'll actually do the famous hike through cinque terre.

2007-03-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

niente

i have nothing to write about. niente.

why? because i'm pretty much content with how my life is going.

im going to enjoy the last quarter of my college career.

===

print

i need to print out the pictures from roma et europa.

===

shut up, its better for you

thats what the title for this blog means. kthanks! bye!

2007-02-19T20:39:00.000-08:00

que.

so, im half way through my second to the last quarter of college.

my 80gb powerbook has 8 gigs of space left.

i have 11000 photos on my computer. 3008 songs.

boy, it would suck if it broke.

wednesday is lent and i have nothing to give up. how about laziness?

i gave up messiness last year. i cleaned up some things both physically and mentally. its back to being a physical mess.

meaning clothes continue to migrate from hangers to the floor inexplicably.

i see people like katherine, who graduated last year working. wendell and carolina moving into their house soon to be married. i see jerel going back to attempt at a masters. and im graduating. soon.

in anycase, i need to pass statistics.

2007-01-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

my writing sucks.

yes, my capacity for writing has diminished. i cant blog anymore.

yet, here i am again, writing in this blog that i have had since junior year in highschool.

resolution 5: quit referencing the past.

anyways, im involved with someone now. no longer secretly, nor involved with someone else and the other... well, he's just a phone call. and the other before that: i cleared the air with him and his gal. i made it a point to clear my love karma seeing that it had been clogged for over a year.

and it totally worked.

and the other? non lo so.

in anycase, let go and let god. lets the world know your plans and goals and remember to get up and invoke the chain of events that will lead you to where you want to be.

whateeeevs.

2006-12-30T03:42:00.000-08:00

allora mmm

so im back from italy.

and i've decided to start blogging here again.

to-do list

1) stop being so giving.
2) buy new eyeliner.
3) heal from these wisdom teeth
4) chill the fuck out.

fuck boys. bring me a man.

actually scratch that. im ready to graduate and peace the spork out. im ready for my own place and space and time. then you can bring me a man.

right now, im floating. and its not the vicodin that is talking. i'm still in that great between that i wrote about in my last post. i had this crazy entry in my moleskin where i had the realization that i have everything that i thought that i ever needed but now, i'm still searching for... oh whatever.

2006-08-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

hiatus, no. death to this.

involved. secretly involved.

i want to remember this day as the day between lives. the overlap as already happening. overlap between me of then and me of now and me of the future. isnt that all that life is, the overlap of everything? between 13 and 14. boyfriends and exboyfriends. day trips and night trips. vegas and non-vegas. riverside and la. america and the rest of the world. run on sentences and paragraphs. the beginning of a sigur ros song and the end of it. winter quarter and spring quarter.

failure and drunkeness. i walk that line with grace and prosperity.

i knew this year was going to be a good year.

and me saying that isnt going to ruin anything.

i think this is the end of this blog. 4 year and 2 months. thanks for letting me remember how i was, how i shouldnt be, and how i want to be.

2006-08-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

project runway.

sadly, there are no daniel vosovics this season. but i think the girls, especially allison kelly, are cute. she soooo cute.

this is part of her bio:

"In 1998, Alison migrated to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, where she pursued her studies in fine arts and metal smithing at the Instituto de Allende."

so when she was 18, she went to mexico to study METAL SMITHING.

and then theres angela with her mushroom hunting. YES.

2006-07-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

You scored as Italian.

Italian

100%

Irish

88%

Belgian

88%

Russian

75%

German

75%

French

75%

Turkish

75%

British

75%

Polish

75%

Swiss

63%

Danish

50%

Spanish

50%

Dutch

50%

Molvanian

13%

Which nationality should you have
created with QuizFarm.com

2006-07-25T03:02:00.000-07:00

i can't help but think that i totally fucked up my freshman year in college.

honestly. i. can't. help. it.

i'm feeling really shitty right now. and the heat isnt helping. wtf. why is it 81 degrees at THREE IN THE FUCKING MORNING? that should be illegal. fuck nature. fuck it all.

shitty shitty shitty. wow.

i dont even know why.

===

twenty something angst.

2006-07-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

21
so im turning 21 overseas.
i had this conversation with my parents yesterday.

first of all, i'd like to start with the fact that i went to church with my parents yesterday. at 11:15am, i walked into my parents' room and saw that they were getting ready for church. obviously my mom said,

"you should come to church with us."

i replied with my usual, "no." and i left. and 10 seconds later, i put on my sunday best (diagonal striped halter dress and charles david wedges) and got in the car. it was 11:25. i was in the car before my mom was.

11:26, my mom finally gets in the car and at 11:29, my dad was parking.

this is where i would say what happened but i'll just explain. apparently my mom didnt see me in the car so she was really surprised to see that i came to church (even more surprised that i was in the car with them).

anyways, we walked across the street towards st. brendans. my mom studied what i was wearing and fruitlessly tried to pull up my dress to cover my cleavage. i said,

"God made my breasts. I dont think she'd like a masterpiece like these covered up"

hahaha. my mom enjoyed that.

after church, we ate at thai bbq.
my dad pointed out that my 21st was coming soon.

i really wanted to turn 21 in the states. just so i can get really fucked up with friends and people can take pictures of me handing my id to guy at the liquor store while buying a 40. or go clubbing and dance with a drink in hand. oh wait, i've done that already (hahaha. CLUBBANG. but whatever. i told my parents that i was bummed that i was going to turn 21 in a place where i already couldn drink. so my dad said

"i turned 21 overseas too. i was on a ship."
i guess he was doing whatever my dad did back in the day.
it kinda made me feel better.

2006-07-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

i've been on blogger for over 4 years. and im still unsure as to why i still blog.

nooooo. im a faker. i know exactly why im here. not until today did i find that the way i blog is the socially accepted way to blog. meaning:

- writing whatever the fuck i want
- using poor language and optional capitalization.
- cussing up a storm

so im at starbucks today. why? to steal their air conditioning. as an avid coffee bean and tea leaf lover and supporter of lost souls cafe i feel no remorse for taking up precious floor space and chair at the #2 starbucks in the uv (still the the stupidest bullshit ever. what do you need two starbuckes for? WITHIN 100 years of each other??)

whatever. i couldnt stand the heat in my apartment, which sadly is 89 degrees. inside. 93 degrees outside.

im pretty sure that the temperature in here is hovering near the 60 degree mark. its nippy and im enjoying it

it recently came to my attention that i have two weeks of summer school left. what the fuck. how did that happen? essentially it means that i only have two weeks of riverside left. !!!. i'll triumphantly return to riverside winter quarter a woman of the world. haaa. joke.

i got a call from danielle last week saying that she couldnt believe that i was leaving so soon
kat recently flipped her calendar to next month and was shocked that august 22nd was so soon.

before any of that happens, i will be making some mini trips. to vegas. this weekend.

===

theres this girl outside of starbucks. and she has a purple bag. i may have to steal this bag.

2006-07-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

to-do list

- wamu.
- possibly grocery shopping.

or not. i can live off water and.. ok fine, i have no food. sad days.

2006-07-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

when no one is looking

dance like a fool.
like the fool you are.

have you ever wondered what it would be like to dance to "i'm a cuckoo" with 75 other rabid fans? refreshing.

2006-06-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

wow

in the past 2 days of actually being home my mom was asked me to:

clean my room 5 times

and

lose weight 3 times. (twice in the past 15 minutes)

whatevs. im getting pho.

2006-06-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th Birthday
to this blog.

2006-06-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

womens studies aka study a broad

i bought my ticket.

august 22nd - december 21st.

2006-06-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

also

there have been a couple of things bothering me lately that i choose to ignore.

i think i am a pretty chill gal. i let things slide and i allow people to figure out whats wrong when i'm mad at them. this is because im not about to tell them that what they're doing to stupid and wrong because im not their mother. and thats despite the fact that i have motherly instincts and that i prepare for what ever the world gives me (natural disasters / drama... sad how that comes in one sentence)

also, im kinda disappointed in myself. i havent tried at all this quarter. and its stupid because i always feel like im trying to impress people but then i realize that i really dont care. i love people who love me back.

you can think whatever you want about me. and if you think im amazing, you're totally right.

===

i have never spent so many weekends in riverside as i did this quarter. fuck you. i like it here.

===

my room is still a fucking mess.

2006-06-05T20:01:00.002-07:00

recluse

dear spiders,

please fuck off. stop biting me in my face. thanks.

-vanessa

2006-05-31T04:55:00.000-07:00

random

peahen: hmf. i'm unimpressed.

2006-05-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

he's not my type: he's not mexican

week 9. still not caring. still not taking any initiative.

==

sign that i am, indeed, getting older: i think i may have to start wearing my glasses when i drive. jesus christ, is my body starting to degenerate already? fuck dammit.

==

10 page paper. due this thursday. only one page done(ish) no, you're crazy.

==

ok i'll do it.

2006-05-29T00:33:00.000-07:00

notice how i havent changed my mood from ambivalent since july 2004.

2006-05-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

danielle: oh my god , you went to st brendans and found a book that you checked out in 2nd grade?
me: hahah yeah
danielle: that must have been a really unpopular book
me: fuck you.

2006-05-20T04:23:00.000-07:00

frustrated? lazy? tired? happy?

who knows. i'm still in riverside because i felt like staying and i didnt feel like driving.

i'm leaving tomorrow. i'll be back by sunday afternoon

ok, in truth, i've been doing one of my favoritest past times: blog hopping. digging around in people's lives (or what people like to present to the world) is fun.

the realization that people as cynical as yourself is comforting. the realization that people as materialistic than yourself is comforting. the realization that people are in shittier situations than yourself is comforting.

but,

the realization that people have things that you cant have sucks.

in retrospect, i'm happy that i dont have the things that i want because looking back, i really dont know what i want at all. on top of that, whenever i get things that i want, things tend to turn sour.

i dont even want to think about school
i dont even want to think about my future.

i'm under the impression that way i have been living my life will eventually bulid up and explode in my face.

i'm excited for the future outcome and the predicted abysmal effects.

2006-05-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

ortho. tri. cyclen. lo

well, after not being on birth control for a year and half, i'm going back on. for reasons. one) there is no way im getting pregnant any time soon. two) my face will thank me. three) being on birth control means...

i have to quit smoking.

ugh.

2006-05-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

life update

1) boyfriendless
2) not boy-less
3) lately, i've been incredibly tired.
4) rome here i come, but what will all the paper work? hmph.
5) my room is clean. amazing.
6) i havent smoked in a while. (good)
7) mmm. procrastination.
8) i'm growing an avocado tree from the pit of my guacamole..
9) i have come to the conclusion that i will never delete this blog (if i can help it)
10) i've gained hella weight. i dont care. i love myself anyways.

2006-05-12T05:17:00.000-07:00

semi-glad that i dont feel like being so negative on this blog

who know what tomorrow will bring
maybe sunshine, maybe rain
well as of me i'll wait
maybe it'll bring my love to me, who knows.

from rjd2 smoke and mirrors

===

dude. im cleaning my room. 5:21am. wtf.

2006-05-10T01:33:00.001-07:00

i will get a job

for the two purposes:

1) money for the fall

2) these shoes

2006-05-10T00:50:00.000-07:00

ridiculous amounts of unfinished business

so theres a sprinker outside my apartment that is broken. it spews out huge streams of water at exactly 12:50am every night.

also, there is a large mountain of dirt (probably fertilizer) sitting outside. i kinda want to go sledding on it.

i have to make a decision

although i had a really good weekend and a good quarter in general, i have a weird sense of unease. ok, make that a huge sense of unease. i just wish that i could get a really good solid piece of mind.

boy it sucks to be poor. i really want to buy a pair of shoes.

like, tell me why i really like these stripper shoes:

i know, right? all sorts of hoe status. in anycase, i want them. whens the next half yearly sale?

this entry had no point. whatevs.

2006-04-17T17:17:00.001-07:00

new policy

new way to stop self from feeling sorry for said self:

immerse self in a selfless organization for which you work for someone else.

2006-04-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

the ten commandments

so, wow, moses' wife is the hottest shepherdess that i've ever seen.

oooh, halloween costume idea. sexy shepherdess.

so, happy easter. i totally missed out on the last two days of the triduum.

uh soo...

saved by the bell on adult swim? yesssssssss. (again, rebecca sealfon style).

==

anyways!

the first two weeks of the quarter were a totaly blur. i havent missed one class but i feel like i havent learned anything. I was up in the bay last week end for the gabnet west coast regional retreat. and suddenly, i felt 110% more militant.

2006-04-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

blah broohahaha